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I’m not quite sure how to start this post so my thoughts may seem scattered, but I feel like sharing some of my own battles recently. There are so many people out there battling different things. The most recent to hit my extended family is our sweet little Ashtyn’s diagnosis with Leukemia. She’s my cousin’s little girl-you can read the post about it here and visit her blog at the link on the sidebar. Her mother right so beautifully almost daily about the battles the face each day.
I wasn’t expecting to face my own battle recently, but it decided to rear it’s ugly head. Thankfully, I’ve been blessed and I now I can face it. There are actually a couple of things going on, and I believe they are related. First, I was hit with some big pains a month ago in my lower right abdomen. I knew what it was, or had my suspicions. I’ve had ovarian cysts since I was 15 and this felt like I had another big one growing again. I’ve had surgery for them in the past so I knew this kind of chronic pain had to be it. My doctor did an ultrasound and found that the same cyst I had two years ago was still there. Nice, but I was grateful it wasn’t something else. Unfortunately, she didn’t think my pain was from that. She’s guessing I also have endometriosis. Oddly enough, many of my symptoms line up perfectly with that diagnosis. At the same time, we’ve been working to get my thyroid under control-it keeps going up and down and likes to play little tricks on me. Those things are curable and manageable, albeit painful. I’m hoping we’ll get the pain sorted out soon. I’ve had it daily for a month in varying degrees. But, like I said, I’m used to it and have found ways to work around it.
Unfortunately, those aren’t the real challenges. I’ve had to finally admit that I had something deeper going on, something that I needed some help with. I’ve always tried to handle emotional challenges on my own or just shrug them away. I’m pretty good at getting over things quickly or working them out. But for anyone with anxiety, you know that you can’t do it on your own.
Two years ago, I felt pretty certain I was experiencing some anxiety. But I never sought help. I knew the reasons for it and they eventually worked themselves out. The last couple of years, I’ve been good and happy. Sure, having a second child has been very challenging but I’ve managed. A few months ago, I was listening to a therapist talking about anxiety. He mentioned that if you have the same reoccurring thoughts or fears, especially on a daily basis, you had anxiety and should seek help. I thought about it, because I do have daily thoughts and fears, but never did anything about it.
Then, at 1:30 in the morning a couple of weeks ago, I had what you could call a panic attack. And it was scary. Really scary. Thank heavens I have a husband who keeps his whits about him and who holds the Priesthood (something we believe in-see more at mormon.org). He was able to give me a blessing to help calm me down. And then we spent the next couple of hours trying to regroup and to get me tired enough to go back to sleep. He gave me another blessing right before I went to bed. I’ll share that in another post because it’s a part of my healing process. I’ve had some other very tender experiences as well that I will share.
For now, I just wanted to get this out there. I’ve felt very strongly that the reason I am going through this trial is to help others. I don’t know how, but I do feel comfortable getting the information out there and sharing my journey through anxiety with you. I did have my first appointment with a therapist today, again I’ll share more specifics later, but he did diagnosis me with generalized anxiety. At this point, there isn’t a super obvious reason for why I have it, but I can say, looking back, that I’ve had anxiety in different degrees for many years. I just never knew it. It took a frightening experience for me to recognize it and to finally seek help but I’m grateful that I did. The anxiety also accounts for many of my health issues as the symptoms include fatigue, irritability, stomach problems (had that for years), headaches (daily for me for years), muscle pains (explains the pain in my legs and neck), and others. Funny that the endometriosis and thyroid also have similar symptoms. No wonder I just want to lay on the couch some days!
I am very hopeful and optimistic. It’s a trial, to be sure, but one that I must face for some reason. In another blessing, this one for the health issues, I was told that these trials were being given to me to teach me something. I can say that one major lesson I am already learning is to depend on my faith and believe that the Lord will help me through it. And I know He will. I’d love to have others share the journey with me so feel free to leave comments or whatever else you feel like sharing. I’ll continue to post my thoughts and feelings and my progress as well.